What a fucking waste of an outfit
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
