After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't think brook has ever known best
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
