I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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