If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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