2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My liver just broke up with me...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
