I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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