Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
