Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
