don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
