He felt like a one man threesome
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
