I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
