Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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