Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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