Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
