I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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