You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
