They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
