I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dicks are not precious.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
