It was confusing and full of hummus
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
