Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
