So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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