i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
