last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
