1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
