Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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