Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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