she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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