Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
