Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
