these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
