A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
