So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
