you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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