Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
