ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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