Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
