Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
