I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
