Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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