Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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