When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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