I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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