shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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