I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
