Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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