The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
