can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
