New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
