last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
