I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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